Treading water. With a brick.

Completely endearing...I adore this [see clip].

It's the reason this song is in my iTunes library. 

It makes my heart happy.  And so I'm posting it in lieu of writing...because my writing might lean back a bit toward bitter and I don't like the taste of that.  Rather than hindsight being 20/20, I [somewhat painstakingly] appreciate the reality checks that come when most needed.  I almost forgot what I'm supposed to remember, and was this close to acknowledging that I miss...  Doh! Saved by a text message. 

You watch the video, and I'll be over here...putting something cool on this sting. 

Bama Boy

Near the end of this post, I mentioned an upcoming bet concerning the Alabama/Kentucky game. 

Final score: Alabama 38, Kentucky 20. 

The Wildcat fan wore the shirt in his mother's and step-father's home, for the picture (flanked by blue of course), and the entire 7 hour drive home from Kentucky.  The shirt may be a bit weathered, but I think it works.  Made him look like a real fan...like he's been wearing it for years.   

Roll Tide! 

Hello, my name is Simon...

As previously mentioned, I lost a bet (read: was hoodwinked) which resulted in my having to prepare seven dinners for Jason last week. Thankfully, the bet ended Sunday. Though I was fleeced, I held up my end and did so with a bit of finesse & variety - forcing him out of his usual ground beef-frocked diet of spaghetti and Hamburger Helper. To be fair, we both ate better than we typically do. To be honest, as an unmarried + childless, petless girl...I was a tad frazzled by the more intense, albeit temporary, schedule. My weekdays consist of work + colorguard practice or nursing home duty...landing me home around 7pm. (The beneficiary goes to bed by 8:30pm on work nights.) Eventually, I acclimated; he said he could "definitely get used to this" (as he casually sipped his beer and watched Pass Time on SPEED channel). Not a chance. My married and/or child-ful friends say..."welcome to my world". I say: not yet ;). I may get an apron though and wear it on Wednesdays.

It's in my nature to document, and more so to photograph. As consistently whined about, my camera has been sick. Some of the plates/presentations last week were really quite lovely (especially the last one). As an alternative, I opted to draw the menu for this post. As it turns out, I'm a wretched sketch artist. It's really quite bad. ...But funny-bad.

(Click to enlarge)

 

Original Simon (chalk drawings)...

SNL Simon with Mike Myers...

Swindled

Though it's early in the season, I've commenced with the gameday bets; had fun with them last year. Of course, everything is better when Alabama is having a good season. Traffic lights are always green, cereal never gets stale, and the clouds are shaped like goal posts and elephants.

The VA Tech game, though a little close for comfort, was fun b/c I have quite a few high school friends who went to or are fans of Tech. Recent reconnects on Facebook made for some delightful smack-talk in the weeks leading up to the game. The bet was simple. Joey, a high school friend, had to change his [Facebook] profile picture to the UA logo of my choosing following a Bama win. There is a bit more to the story - and it was a combined effort with Mollie and Meghan as guiding forces - but that's the gist. In truth...because of the way the stakes came about, I really had nothing to lose...though I'm sure Ray (another high school friend and Tech alum) would still be giving me crap. The screen shot below is of Joey's page. I just checked back, and though he could have done so last Thursday...he has yet to change from the Bama logo. In his heart of hearts, he must truly love the Crimson Tide. It's been fun to reconnect with these friends...they were great people in high school (I genuinely thought so...of each of them) and I really like the adult versions of them as well. Doesn't always turn out that way.

North Texas. I have a sweet and lovely friend from work, Sandra, who went to North Texas... We discussed setting up some terms, but never decided on anything. It's North Texas; I didn't push it.
Upcoming contests. I have two Razorback friends (Brenna and Amy)...I'll touch base with them this week. Jason and I have a bet set up for the Kentucky game. Could be painful and involves a Kentucky flag in my front yard and drinking out a UK cup on command; the flip side...he wears a UA shirt into his step-father's home (a photo will be taken); he may be disowned. Seems fair.
Speaking of Jason and betrayal... Saturday night, I cleanly won two games of darts. We played a third game. If I won, he would buy the oil + filter...and change Sipsey's oil this week. If he won (after having just lost two games straight), I would have to make dinner for him each night for one week (beginning yesterday). He began swiftly, adeptly (and promptly I might add) kicking my ass. Shark. He swears he got lucky. Hustler. I've seen him clear a pool table; I'm not sure I'm buying it. I should have known right then; blame it on the ah ah ah ah alcohol.
I burned the taco shells last night...maybe if I keep burning things...
Red beans & rice + cornbread tonight.

Pardon the cliche'...

There is someone for everyone. You'll find it/him when you stop looking. You'll find it/him when you least expect it. All things happen in good time. All good things happen in God's time. Walk your own path. What is right for one person, may not be right for another. We each have our own timeline... There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer. Each dark cloud has a silver lining. There is always something to be learned... You'll find him... Your "prince" will come.

Be independent. Be able to change your own tire. Be able to drive a stick shift. Be self-sufficient in all ways. Though you may need to at some point, organize and prepare yourself so that you don't have to depend on anyone for anything. Don't assume you can trust anyone. Keep your guard up. Take care of yourself. Be cautious. Get a pet.

Be sure you're open... Give him a chance. Give it a chance. Don't give up on it. Be patient. Be aware that what you thought you were looking for, may not be what God has in mind for you. Let your guard down a bit... In order to get something different than what you've had, you'll have to do something different than what you've done.

Love conquers all. If you love something, set it free... All is fair in love and war. Love is blind. Love is a many splendored thing. It's better to have loved and lost... Love is a battlefield. Love is just love.

Dammit. 

July 28, 2005

4 years ago today...

Love and miss you, PaPaw.

Triple Word Score (amended)

So. I've begun making Scrabble™ tile pendants. Still learning; I've not perfected my process. The tiles aren't perfect either, but if it were me...I'd choose one with a bit of character - so I welcome flaws. When shopping, I always choose the one (elephant figurine, piece of jewelry, whatever) that is most interesting to me. Note: this concept (choose most interesting when shopping) does not apply to fresh fruits, veggies, meat. Just thought to share a few of the tiles I've made so far...

I gave Lindsay two for her birthday; she put them on with the pendant she was wearing at the time. Posting this one because you can't see the one on the left as well in the 3rd photo.

Picture from LB at work... Stoked that the new pendant is wearable!!

...And the next day...

Nicole with her frog!!!

The kitty was made for Lisa; she has worn it - I just need a picture. I was surprised at how much I liked it! The tile with circles (to the right of the cat) was made for Sandra...which she just learned about yesterday :).

I've worn the bird and the one on the far right...

I don't like the butterfly, but Angel does...so she shall have it.

The end.

Sticks and stones. Actually...just stones.

It's nearly mid-July...wth?!! I've been preoccupied with all things kidney-stone in the last few weeks. By preoccupied, I mean I've felt like hell. Like the stone, those feelings have passed. ...Though I have determined "pass" to be too passive a verb for the process. Deliver or exorcise (thanks, Ray) would be more applicable verbs.

The experience included a brief hospital stay and an initial misdiagnosis as they couldn't see any stones in the CT scan with contrast that was performed. Had a scan without contrast been performed first, things might have gone a little differently. At least, they would have treated it/me differently. Though it's not a my best side, I've been living with this for several weeks and have no inhibition in regard to sharing my x-ray. In fact, I'd like to; it explains my absence.

With the help of Darra and Renee, the stone was [not so] fondly named Monti B.. I referred to it as the Rock of Gibraltar, at which point...Darra referenced Mont Blanc. Monti makes Mont cuter...(though there is nothing cute about it), and B...which could stand for Blanc...actually stands for bitch. Thus we have, Monti B..



I realize people suffer far worse illnesses and the above, the size (we measured) of a small blueberry, probably does not seem all that daunting. Nonetheless, it's been unpleasant. I'm thankful it wasn't more complicated & that it's over. I hope not to experience it again. However... If my body does form future mineral/crystal aggregations - I'm also thankful to know that I have lovely family & friends will be around to help if needed...they were this time <3 .=".">

More to post soon; want to get this up tonight for Trey :).

Weighted

I mentioned to a friend that I hadn’t posted anything recently because all that had been on my mind had been fairly heavy. True. Not that I don’t enjoy/appreciate a blog with some weight to it, but my writing tends to tilt toward random fluff. For the moment, as I sit next to my Grandmother while she sleeps…I’ve decided writing the heavier might be cathartic. My life has a lot of natural light, perhaps acknowledging the shade will provide for a nice balance - as with photography. We shall see. Then too, I'm not a photographer, I'm also not a writer. I fear my friends are all talked/listened out on this particular topic (Grandmama). If nothing else, they know my heart and my love for this very special woman.

(Taken 5.9.09)

This evening, the front hall of the Magnolia Wing (of Grandmama's nursing home) is quiet; the back hall, however, is buzzing with activity…as someone has just “expired”. There are loved ones to be informed, procedures to be followed, paperwork to be processed, and roommates to be moved. We don’t usually know when someone passes; they have a discreet set of doors at the end of each wing and certainly don’t ring a bell or make an announcement. We learned of the death because there happens to be a CNA working this evening who suffers from a complete lack of tact and a gift for remarkably inappropriate word choice + information sharing.

This July, it will have been one year since Grandmama moved into NHC (the nursing home). It was a year ago this February & March that she began having such consistent trouble, repeated hospitalizations, a bleed in her brain, a reaction to the plasma intended to help with the blood loss…which led to a terrifying stint in the neuro-ICU. The weeks followed with time in Select Specialty Hospital, back to University Hospital, and so on… Initially, the placement @ NHC (the area nursing home of choice) was presented as short-term…physical therapy intensive…readying her to go home. I knew then she’d never return to her home again. As difficult as that was and is, it’s also for the best; her medical needs far outweigh what my Grandfather and I were/are able to provide (as those who were living with her). We did give a powerful and valiant effort. Is there a word which means something more than valiant, but also…slightly hopeless? Pedaling furiously…on a stationary bike, hoping that you’ll make it to your destination of choice even though you're not moving? My Grandfather is a stubborn man and held out much longer, based on a promise he’d made to her…that he’d never put her in a nursing home.

I digress…less background, more of the present.

Grandmama is often confused…doesn’t understand where she is or why. Then other days, she shares that she wishes she’d had some say in this “placement”…no one asked if her she wanted to live here, or what she thought of this place. It’s the in-between that makes it so hard; on the rare days, she is just coherent enough to know that she’s losing her senses. Her eyes are still very blue, but now always glazed…and seem very far off. My Aunt Brenda calls where she [Grandmama] is, that far off place, her “other place”. The other place is sometimes a dream-world; not a world made of all she could ever dream of…but a world composed of nothing but her dreams; mainly non-sensical stories. Children hiding under her bed, bags full of dogs, milk in her bed linens, the kitten water she’d been made to drink…Those stories, though upsetting (and not shared to diminish her personal integrity in anyway), are the more pleasant. It’s the more violent ones…where she’s been taken to the woods and stripped naked, witnessed the murder of a set of twin babies, or Is convinced Granddaddy is having an affair and also in jail for murder… Those daymares (my word) - delusions (psychological/medical term), are cruel and there is generally no talking her out them.

The exchange that instigated this post took place this past Wednesday. Having spent so much time with her and acting as a caretaker for the last several years she was at home, I am often able to anticipate her needs (as anyone in a similar situation would be…and as all of us who spend a great deal of time with her - are). I noticed she was having trouble breathing; she said she just needed to blow her nose. She can often be the Girl who Cried Nose-Blow..as she’ll do anything to get that oxygen tubing out of her nose/and off her face. She wasn’t able to blow her nose, and I still felt like she didn’t sound quite right… I requested that the nurse do an O2 check, and though they had just taken her vitals (she read at 99%), this time (the re-check)…she read at 91%. Since she felt “stopped up” we thought it might be the tubing; thus it was replaced along with the little water bottle that acts as a humidifier for her 02 machine.

Afterwards, she still looked so distressed. Her blues eyes - very worried, and her brow furrowed in deep creases. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she didn’t know… I reframedBama shaker (read: pom pom type thing used to cheer on the Crimson Tide). So I taped it to her closet door, directly in front of her bed. I taped it with handle-part down and against the wood, with the streamers hanging over it. It looks like McDonald’s fry-guy, but it’s a familiar object.

She didn’t think it would help…and I offered to take it down. She often gets frustrated with Granddady or one of my uncles who rushes when helping her with meals, but will never speak her mind – never express her frustration. I told her explicitly, right then (referring to the other times she had not spoken her mind), that if she wanted me to stop…to just say so. She said…”I don’t want to play this game anymore.” I apologized and said okay – clarifying that it wasn’t meant as a game – that I was only trying to help. “I’m here for you, Grandmama, that's all”… A sentence which certainly contained more personal weight than was intended for it’s immediate context.

I was frustrated. It hurts my heart to see her like this and I feel so helpless when there is nothing I can do to make anything better for her.

She stared out of the window for a few minutes, and then said… “The shaker will be perfect, because it will remind me of you.” I leaned over to hug her…and could not hold back my tears. I sat back down and we just sat there…holding hands…both crying. Again, she was looking off…not even out of the window, but somehow at a space right before it. She squeezed my hand and said…”let’s not cry anymore”. I replied…”yes ma’am”…and sat back in the recliner so that I was out her sight-line, and cried until I stopped. Damn. Talk about gravity of words...of a moment. I took her words metaphorically.

I trust in God‘s timeline, but do not understand it…not In her case. She no longer receives joy from anything and is hardly allowed to experience any variation of emotion or feeling… If she’s upset and can’t be calmed, she’d medicated. I too, want her to be comfortable. …But what about quality of life? I know there are those who live through far worse - without the care and benefits we are afforded. I pray that I am someday able to see the good in this situation…the positive that can be taken from it. It’s not as though the time we are being granted with her is quality time, and it's not as though there is anyone she's waiting on or wanting to see; there are no open pieces that need closure. Those who are employed by her stay will remain employed…jobs will not be lost, and for the most part…it’s not brought our family any closer together. Ultimately, I know it's simply not her time yet. The mind still reels.. Perhaps it is to keep my Grandfather alive. Perhaps I should be still, and be thankful. And know that after we brush her teeth and wash her face after dinner…she’ll enjoy the Oil of Olay being put on her face and neck…and the other lotions massaged into her arms and fingers. She always closes her eyes when I do that. And I always kiss her forehead.

(Grandmama & Kimmey...Mother's Day...5.10.09)

Birthday-versary

Happy birthday or anniversary to my blog :).

Birthdays are anniversaries.

(Found on Flickr...couturecupcakerymm's photostream)

Tangent: It makes me a litle crazy when people refer to monthly milestones as "anniversaries". Example... We've been dating for 3 months...Happy Anniversary!! Technically, it would be a mensiversary. I realize that doesn't exactly spring to mind or off the tongue...and the latin word "mensis" - for month - makes me think of menses...so then I don't want to say Happy Mensiversary. I've settled on Happy Monthiversary. ...just not Happy Anniversary unless it's appropriate.