Request & Dedication - Liar, Liar

Dear Casey,

You know how you can have a song with someone, yes? ...Right...your show is more or less dedicated to the concept.  

Since I was 15 or 16 I've had a song with a boyfriend from that time [period], and because the "relationship" has continued in various (and wildly unhealthy) forms over the past 21 years, we've collected enough music for a soundtrack. (21 years...? That's an entire person-who-can-drink long. I've no idea how that happened.) 

This guy - who, for the purpose of this letter (and in the interest of accuracy), we'll call Liar, Liar - was my first love. I thought I might think differently of it/him later in life, but even still - having experienced other relationships, he remains my first true love. (My apologies for the gooey use of the word "true"; there was no way around it.) I wish I could explain the relationship - if only for my own benefit. 

Liar, Liar's particular magic - is actually magic. He disappears and reappears every 2-3 years - like clockwork. ..Like clocks that measure time specifically in 24-36 month spans. It's really quite impressive. It's also insane. (I trust there's no need to review the definition of insanity.) While social media has certainly made his biennial popping-out-of-the-woodwork easier, he maintained it prior to Facebook - prior to Myspace and Classmates, even. This is no easy task as I just might be a nomad. 

He's reappeared recently - figuratively (e-mail, text, phone). I haven't seen him and have no plans to do so. I'm the girl here, Casey, and I [admittedly] act like one when it comes to him - a stupid girl. I respond to the e-mail, the phone call, the carrier pigeon. I contribute - and that's on me. Initially, it was simply hard not to.. I was always drawn back toward him. That first-love bullshit had a hold on me, on my heart, and so I responded. Each time, it ended badly. And each *next* time, he worked hard to convince me he had changed - grown. There were [routinely] 3-4 hour conversations each night...conversations turned speeches, one bumper-sticker shy of a campaign. Inevitably, we would circle back to our teenage love and reflect on our story - and I'd be willing to try again. Because I can be an idiot. Once you know the difference though, it's not making the same mistake twice or three times - it's a choice. A bad choice, a poor decision. 

I'm content to say that this time is different. The first-love hold is no longer there and if I talk to him, it's because I want to. It turns out though that if I don't engage, he behaves quite differently (profound, Amanda). It's liberating - to be able to take it or leave it. Even better, to have no real interest. And it's nice to not feel stupid...falling for the same song and dance (he's a good dancer) and then punishing myself for having done so - again. In the grand scheme, the relationship is an important one. It has shaped a few things for me and though, like college, it took me much longer than it should have...I did learn quite a lot. 

Our on-again/off-again soundtrack of 21 years has some great music from the 90's, some excellent slow-dance songs, a little Blue October, and some other songs that made sense for us, even if we didn't. I'm terribly sentimental, so I'll keep the soundtrack. In a box. We have a new song though and if he ever reads this (erm...hears your show), then I suppose he'll know about it too.

Casey, please play I Never Knew You by the Avett Brothers for Liar, Liar - who I'll always care about, but never need to see again.

Sincerely,
Amanda

(Pardon the poor video - the album is a bit new and there isn't anything better posted. Yet.)

Comments make me happy. Do it. Great big bowls of love.. ~ A

Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

Have you seen Failure to Launch? Elf? Zooey Deschanel has been a ton of other things, but (for better or worse)...those came to mind first. She's hysterical; AMAZING comedic timing. And apparently, she also sings. I learned about the song below through a former student (Marisol - a unique, gifted, and lovely spirit), but had no idea the band contained Zooey... The band, by the way, is She & Him. The album is called Volume I.

The video is a bit quirky, so if you have a low tolerance for all things non-cookie-cutter...play the clip and turn away so that you can appreciate the song. Once you've listened to it three times, you can then make an honest determination [about the song]...and watch the video. If you can handle quirky, watch away :).

At Least We've Come This Far

So I mentioned some time ago that I want to dedicate this space (every now and again)...to a little "Request & Dedication" action... a-la Casey Kasem. I've had several ideas which have been quieted by busy. I'm all set for this one though...:).

Out of respect for this new relationship and others who are directly (or indirectly) involved...I won't share many details; not via blog anyway. I would like to introduce those of you who don't know....to Allison. As you can see, we fell from the same tree. Same tree, different...fertilizer.

(Allison and her husband, Andy)

We met for the first time when I was 16, and she was 18.... For various reasons (vaguely understood by us), we've never been able to have a relationship. At 31 and 33...now separate from past circumstances, we're trying "us" on...and giving this sisterhood a shot. Last night, we talked for 7 hours, nearly 8 actually.

I drove (to her home) yesterday evening as Amanda...just, Amanda (read: only child). ...And left with the knowledge/awareness that...potentially (by choice & effort)/technically/and actually... I have 2 nephews, a niece, and a brother-in-law. ...And most importantly, a sister (who was also raised/identifies herself as an only-child). Pretty bizarre considering those words (nephew, etc.) have not previously been a part of my vocabulary...outside of my honorary aunt-ships for my close girlfriends and their little ones (whom I love!).

On with the Request & Dedication to Allison... (Though I'm providing the song myself...which makes it just a...dedication; I'll have to come up with a more clever name.) There is a song by Relient K...entitled "At Least We've Made it This Far". Subtracting the inapplicable romantic overtones; we have come from very different places, and yet we have made it "this far"...to this place - where we are now. And though we [collectively] have more questions than we do answers, and though we're both entering in cautiously...I feel so good about this possibility, our possibility. While it (the song) acknowledges the pain that comes with uncertainty and doubt...which we've experienced as well, the main tone (to me anyway) is sweet & hopeful. ...And I'm hopeful for us.

Love.

To listen to the song...

Idol Chat-Chit.

Jason Castro.... For better or worse, I watch American Idol. I usually have some favorites and enjoy the mindless entertainment each week. I haven't been as intrigued this season...especially since Michael Johns was viciously voted off far too early. It's down to a final 3...and I'm pulling for David Cook. I get that little-boy Archuleta has the pipes - I completely get it. Talented - absolutely. I'm sure he's a lovely boy of 17...and he'll have a fantastic career. He and Clay Aiken may even tour together. Who knows. David Cook has some edge though...some charisma....and is simply more seasoned. ...And in that vein of thought, I dig his flavor. My preference seems to go against the grain though - I also wanted Blake Lewis to win....though Jordin is lovely and I wasn't terribly disappointed with her win. I digress.

Jason Castro :). Is Jason the sharpest knife in the drawer? Certainly not. His pre-performance video packages are always a trip... He identified his biggest challenge as being..." Just the brain being dead". (I'm sure Idol execs ate his responses up with a spoon by the way....) I'm not a parent, but can understand that he may not be the "American Idol" most parents would wish their children to pattern themselves after. What I do love about him though...is that he's honest... The vibe I get is that he truly is a what-you-see...is what-you-get kind of person. And better, there *are* kids out there...who don't look and think like all of the other contestants (not to imply "they" are all the same) - but who can relate to David Castro. Somewhere...he's made some kid...feel a little more okay with himself for not always knowing what to say.

In the mean time, rather than remembering "Mr. Tambourine Man" for the legendary song it is...my mind will now immediately go to Jason spacing on the lyrics...and then to the movie Dangerous Minds. My apologies, Bob [Dylan].

In case you missed Jason live or one of the many replays...check it out... It happens about 19-20 seconds in...so you don't have to wait long. Incidentally...this isn't at all what I intended to write about. I keep watching the video though...and it makes me laugh... Not entirely at Jason's expense, because I certainly couldn't (and can't) do what he or any of them have done...but for the sake of a little comic relief. Grandmama is back in the hospital (had been released 4/28/08)...and his mishap has made this morning a bit more tolerable.