Meanwhile, 5 states over...

So this is happening...

Indeed, I am moving from Georgia-lina to San Antonio. A move has been on the horizon for a while. Well. More than a "while"; in fact, I'm not sure the word "horizon" may be used when the "while" can be numbered in years. I'd not have thought I would need a catalyst past my grandparents both passing, but it appears I did/do. The push out of mired & miserable happened last week and so I'm off. I'm effing off.

I feel like I should be terrified, but I'm not. Things should feel chaotic and uncertain, but they don't. And I should be overwhelmed by the sheer number of to-do's and details, but I'm not (yet). The fact that I feel only positive energy leads me to the conclusion that "shoulds" don't always apply, and in this instance - the shoulds have been shucked like corn. Or an oyster. It's going to be an intense change, but moving forward - mindfully - is going to kick some ass. It will be wildly challenging, but ass-kicking just the same. 

Once settled, I'll let you know (1) how the social work job market is faring in SA for those who are not bilingual (yet), (2) if my husband is on one of the two USAF bases there (aim high), and (3) how it feels to see my beloved parents - Dad and Maggie - more than once a year. And I'll be seeing them quite a bit as they have generously and graciously offered shelter (in their brand new home, no less) as I get my feet set.

I can't tell you when I last felt optimistic - and I do now. I ache for a life of substance rather than empty calories. Ache, I tell you...in what now feels like the best way.

Praying for strength, guidance, and continued momentum. L-et-s-g-o, LET'S GO!!

Comments make me happy. Do it. 

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Great big bowls of love.. ~ A

Request & Dedication - Liar, Liar

Dear Casey,

You know how you can have a song with someone, yes? ...Right...your show is more or less dedicated to the concept.  

Since I was 15 or 16 I've had a song with a boyfriend from that time [period], and because the "relationship" has continued in various (and wildly unhealthy) forms over the past 21 years, we've collected enough music for a soundtrack. (21 years...? That's an entire person-who-can-drink long. I've no idea how that happened.) 

This guy - who, for the purpose of this letter (and in the interest of accuracy), we'll call Liar, Liar - was my first love. I thought I might think differently of it/him later in life, but even still - having experienced other relationships, he remains my first true love. (My apologies for the gooey use of the word "true"; there was no way around it.) I wish I could explain the relationship - if only for my own benefit. 

Liar, Liar's particular magic - is actually magic. He disappears and reappears every 2-3 years - like clockwork. ..Like clocks that measure time specifically in 24-36 month spans. It's really quite impressive. It's also insane. (I trust there's no need to review the definition of insanity.) While social media has certainly made his biennial popping-out-of-the-woodwork easier, he maintained it prior to Facebook - prior to Myspace and Classmates, even. This is no easy task as I just might be a nomad. 

He's reappeared recently - figuratively (e-mail, text, phone). I haven't seen him and have no plans to do so. I'm the girl here, Casey, and I [admittedly] act like one when it comes to him - a stupid girl. I respond to the e-mail, the phone call, the carrier pigeon. I contribute - and that's on me. Initially, it was simply hard not to.. I was always drawn back toward him. That first-love bullshit had a hold on me, on my heart, and so I responded. Each time, it ended badly. And each *next* time, he worked hard to convince me he had changed - grown. There were [routinely] 3-4 hour conversations each night...conversations turned speeches, one bumper-sticker shy of a campaign. Inevitably, we would circle back to our teenage love and reflect on our story - and I'd be willing to try again. Because I can be an idiot. Once you know the difference though, it's not making the same mistake twice or three times - it's a choice. A bad choice, a poor decision. 

I'm content to say that this time is different. The first-love hold is no longer there and if I talk to him, it's because I want to. It turns out though that if I don't engage, he behaves quite differently (profound, Amanda). It's liberating - to be able to take it or leave it. Even better, to have no real interest. And it's nice to not feel stupid...falling for the same song and dance (he's a good dancer) and then punishing myself for having done so - again. In the grand scheme, the relationship is an important one. It has shaped a few things for me and though, like college, it took me much longer than it should have...I did learn quite a lot. 

Our on-again/off-again soundtrack of 21 years has some great music from the 90's, some excellent slow-dance songs, a little Blue October, and some other songs that made sense for us, even if we didn't. I'm terribly sentimental, so I'll keep the soundtrack. In a box. We have a new song though and if he ever reads this (erm...hears your show), then I suppose he'll know about it too.

Casey, please play I Never Knew You by the Avett Brothers for Liar, Liar - who I'll always care about, but never need to see again.

Sincerely,
Amanda

(Pardon the poor video - the album is a bit new and there isn't anything better posted. Yet.)

Comments make me happy. Do it. Great big bowls of love.. ~ A