I wrote and posted something about her last week… I deleted it shortly after posting though as it was a bit much; too…flowery. It makes sense that I would write about her – since “she” is what’s going on. I’ve had trouble putting pen to paper though (characters to screen). Today, the difficulty in writing reads a few different ways... On one hand, I don’t know what more there is to say… We (my family) have been talking about the situation so much lately, anything more seems (and is)…repetitive. Talking in circles makes me dizzy. Another vein of thought…is that I’m so blessed to have a wonderful relationship with her and regardless of the fact that my heart will undoubtedly break into a thousand pieces when she leaves us, I will have peace and contentment in what we’ve had. I will be able, as Maggie advised, to stand at my Grandmother’s graveside…and know that I did everything I could have done…and said all I wanted/needed to say.
My Grandparents have always been two of the main players in my life. Dad [uniquely] raised me as a single-parent, and they absolutely helped when needed. Because of that dynamic and the lack of a “mother”…my Grandmother has filled a much more maternal role for me. Whenever they introduce me to anyone…they introduce me as their granddaughter, who is more like a daughter.
The presence of thought is a gift, and I’m thankful to know these things now. To be able to soak in the moments with her and appreciate the time we have. Too many times, we don’t “get it” – until it’s too late. I get it. I also “get” that in more ways than one - I’ve put things ‘on hold’ or pushed them back…to ensure my Grandparents came first. As a result, other pieces of my life have practically lived (and continue to live) on back-burners. …So many - in fact - that I’ve had to borrow stoves. (...Talk about figurative heavy lifting...) Although my actions/gestures are genuine...caretaking is an easy chasm to disappear into - to hide. ...A dangerous one as well. In the end though…whenever that may be…I’ll have no regrets where my Grandmother is concerned - and that makes it all okay.
For whatever reason, the conversation stuck with me. When this blog was born, "An Elephant has No Opposite" was the second thing that came to mind. And so - I went with my second instinct.
We say so many things that don't make sense...I'm sure I do it more often than I'm aware. This is me though...trying to pay attention. I'll let you know how it goes. In the mean time, should you say something like..."there are many different variations"...don't be surprised if I call you out. I'm on a mission to prevent and fight crimes of redundancy.
Since Kasem's segment came to mind, I've decided a blog-version might be fun... There are always letters I want to write (real ones - handwritten...sent through the mail)...or thoughts I want to share...with old friends and/or connections. This might be a fun way to do it... It may only happen once, but I'm excited at the thought :).
"I'd like to master conflict better, because it's a condition of life. And not take it like it's a big surprise every single time. I think it's time for me to learn not to take everything personally. It impedes growth. You're so sensitive, you're insensitive. You get so swept up in the pain of this or being rejected by that, that you can't move on to the next phase. It took a lot of time -- and therapy -- for me to catch on to that."
There's a lot to her response... I liked it so much that I asked one the ladies in the office to photocopy the page for me. I've always thought she [Diane] was smart...and she is.
I had the good fortune this [Masters] weekend to meet/make some lovely new friends from Belfast, Ireland. All four are completely charming people...then too, I have such a crush on most things European :).