A Bit More Betty...

I suppose it's fairly obvious where my head has been lately...… I remain preoccupied with thoughts of my Grandmother…her health, well being, quality of life, and the questions/decisions that surround her care – for which there are no easy answers.

I wrote and posted something about her last week… I deleted it shortly after posting though as it was a bit much; too…flowery. It makes sense that I would write about her – since “she” is what’s going on. I’ve had trouble putting pen to paper though (characters to screen). Today, the difficulty in writing reads a few different ways... On one hand, I don’t know what more there is to say… We (my family) have been talking about the situation so much lately, anything more seems (and is)…repetitive. Talking in circles makes me dizzy. Another vein of thought…is that I’m so blessed to have a wonderful relationship with her and regardless of the fact that my heart will undoubtedly break into a thousand pieces when she leaves us, I will have peace and contentment in what we’ve had. I will be able, as Maggie advised, to stand at my Grandmother’s graveside…and know that I did everything I could have done…and said all I wanted/needed to say.

My Grandparents have always been two of the main players in my life. Dad [uniquely] raised me as a single-parent, and they absolutely helped when needed. Because of that dynamic and the lack of a “mother”…my Grandmother has filled a much more maternal role for me. Whenever they introduce me to anyone…they introduce me as their granddaughter, who is more like a daughter.

The presence of thought is a gift, and I’m thankful to know these things now. To be able to soak in the moments with her and appreciate the time we have. Too many times, we don’t “get it” – until it’s too late. I get it. I also “get” that in more ways than one - I’ve put things ‘on hold’ or pushed them back…to ensure my Grandparents came first. As a result, other pieces of my life have practically lived (and continue to live) on back-burners. …So many - in fact - that I’ve had to borrow stoves. (...Talk about figurative heavy lifting...) Although my actions/gestures are genuine...caretaking is an easy chasm to disappear into - to hide. ...A dangerous one as well. In the end though…whenever that may be…I’ll have no regrets where my Grandmother is concerned - and that makes it all okay.

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